“Trust me, I’m Dr. Ozzy: Advice From Rock’s Ultimate Survivor”
Grand Central Publishing has set an October 11 release date for “Trust Me, I’m Dr. Ozzy: Advice From Rock’s Ultimate Survivor” (formerly“Ask Dr. Ozzy”), written by legendary heavy metal singer Ozzy Osbourne and Chris Ayres.
The official book description reads as follows: “Wondering if science could explain how he survived his 40-year avalanche of drugs and alcohol, Ozzy Osbourne became one of a handful of people in the world to have his entire DNA mapped in 2010. It was a highly complex, $65,000 process, but the results were conclusive: Ozzy is a genetic anomaly. The ‘Full Ozzy Genome’ contained variants that scientists had never before encountered and the findings were presented at the prestigious TEDMED conference in San Diego-making headlines around the world. The procedure was in part sponsored by The Sunday Times of London, which had already caused an international fururoe by appointing Ozzy Osbourne its star health advice columnist. The newpaper argued that Ozzy‘s mutliple near-death experiences, 40-year history of drug abuse, and extreme hypocondria qualified him more than any other for the job. The column was an overnight hit, being quickly picked up by Rolling Stone to give it a global audience of millions. In ‘Trust Me, I’m Dr. Ozzy’, Ozzy answers reader’s questions with his outrageous wit and surprising wisdom, digging deep into his past to tell the memoir-style survival stories never published before-and offer guidance that no sane human being should follow. Part humor, part memoir, and part bad advice, ‘Trust Me, I’m Dr. Ozzy’ will include some of the best material from his published columns, answers to celebrities’ medical questions, charts, sidebars, and more.”
Ozzy last year said that his column in the Times is not meant to be taken seriously. “It’s not a serious thing,” he said. “I mean, I’m the last person to ask advice about health. It’s just, it’s not fit to be taken seriously. I mean — and I’m not doing it, I’m not writing the column personally, I’ve got a guy coming around, the guy who did my book, Chris Ayres, is doing the column. He brings me the column things and I just joke about it, you know. ‘Cause if you believe me, you’ll end up in the lunatic asylum.”
Ozzy said in his first column for the Times, “If people can learn from my stupid mistakes without having to repeat any of them, or if they can take some comfort from the crazy things my family has been through over the years . . . that’s more than enough for me.”
Ozzy added in the column, “By all accounts, I’m a medical miracle. When I die, I should donate my body to the Natural History Museum.”
In response to a Rolling Stone reader by the name of Hugh from New Mexico who asked if he should go to one of those “rub ‘n’ tug” massage parlors given that his girlfriend will never know, Ozzy replied, “A hand job is a very personal thing, and after a lifetime of practice, most blokes get a pretty specific preference for the kind of technique they like. So unless you’re acting as a co-pilot and barking out instructions to your dodgy masseuse every two seconds, it might end up feeling more like she’s skinning a dead rabbit than driving you wild with forbidden pleasure. In fact, it sounds to me like you’ve already built this up in your head to the point where it’s gonna be an expensive disappointment. You also ain’t factored in guilt. It’s all very well you telling Dr. Ozzy that ‘it doesn’t seem wrong’ to hire an extra pair of hands to help out in the monkey-spanking department, but I’m afraid to say that if you’re anything like me, your conscience won’t agree.”